ADHD and Aspergers - Two Friends, Lots to Say

Aspergers and the "Grey Zone"

2009-02-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

Individuals with Aspergers are particularly vulnerable to living in what is sometimes called “The Grey Zone.” Perhaps an illustration will help to explain what I mean by this.

Behold the boy wizard Harry Potter serving detention in the Forbidden Forest at night. He comes across a shadowy figure drinking the silvery blood of a dead unicorn. The figure is none other than Harry’s archnemesis Voldemort, currently a ghost of his former self. Noticing Harry, Voldemort begins advancing on him.

Seeing Harry in peril, the centaur Firenze comes to the rescue. When Harry asks about the figure he saw, and why he was drinking the unicorn’s blood, Firenze explains:

“The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. . .you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips." (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

Living with AS is, in many ways, like living this half-life—not living so much as existing--or rather living in a “grey zone”. As the name suggests, life in this zone is neither one thing nor another, but somewhere in between: not exactly sad, but not happy, either; not insane, but not mentally healthy; not asleep, but not quite awake; and so forth. It is what Lehi referred to as a “compound in one”, a hazy existence with nothing very clearly defined. It is frequently characterized by shame, grief, withdrawal, and despair. There is a constant undercurrent of melancholy and “nothingness” which colors every aspect of life (gray, of course).

In my own experience, life in the Grey Zone is largely dominated by “Not stupid, but not very intelligent”. It’s a form of sleepwalking through life, being partially aware of what is happening in the outside world, but not entirely. Because of this, many autistics are perceived as being self-absorbed. While there may be some truth to this notion—I often get caught up in my own thoughts to the point that I am largely unconscious of my surroundings and other people—it is an oversimplification of a complex mode of existence. Much of the work to be done by the AS individual involves getting out of the Grey Zone and awakening to life in all of its complexity, uncertainty, and energy.

By Way of Tribute to Rich...

2009-01-11T13:35:00.000-08:00

..I'm posting a radio commercial I wrote some time ago. (Yeah, I'm buying time until I can collect my thoughts about the last couple of weeks.)

RIT-A-CHEW RADIO SPOT

Announcer: It’s an old and familiar story . . .

(Johnny is jumping up and down, making noise and being generally hyper)

TEACHER: Johnny, why won’t you pay attention in class?

JOHNNY: Teacher, I’m sorry. I forgot my Ritalin this morning.

TEACHER: Well, here—have this.

JOHNNY: Gum? We can’t chew gum in class.

TEACHER: It’s not gum. It’s RIT-A-CHEW!

ANNOUNCER: Tired of hyper kids bursting your bubble? Give them a rest, and yourself peace of mind. Give them RIT-A-CHEW!

CHORUS (singing): If your kids aren’t cooperating,

Having trouble concentrating,

Then get them masticating—

Give them RIT-A-CHEW!

TWO WEEKS LATER

TEACHER: Johnny, your grades are so much better!

JOHNNY (slowly, almost sluggishly): Yeah, teacher—Thanks to RIT-A-CHEW, my mind is a steel trap!

ANNOUNCER: So teachers, give yourself a lift by bringing them down to earth—Plug ‘em up with RIT-A-CHEW.

Disclaimer: This product will never be approved by the Food and Drug Administration.

Script: Terry Foraker
Music : Konstantin Kuzyayev

Lyrics: Konstantin Kuzyayev and Terry Foraker

What a day!!!?

2008-12-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's me - the guy with the ADHD.

I was a bit psyched up for work yesterday, as it had been a while since I had been in, and we had 84 patients (7 of them were new patient exams), and I knew we couldn't let things get behind.

All the preparation went reasonably well. I focused on meditation/visualization of how I wanted the day to go, and listened to a few Podcasts from EnnerSanctum and My Thought Coach to get in the right mindset. I fell asleep at 10pm, which was great, but I woke up at 4am, and could tell very soon that I wasn't going to be sleeping anymore.

I managed to get a little excercise in, and psyched up on the 40 minute drive to the office with some more podcasts. I told everyone at the start of the day what we would need to do to stay on time, and to not mind me if I seemed upset more than usual, that I wasn't I was just letting my true feelings show more now. It worked great. I hardly had to growl at all, and specifically thanked everyone that assisted in the manner I had specifically asked for. We also started most of our exams, so it was a BIG day for us. The problem is that I was pooped when I got home, and didn't feel up to going to a movie with the kids. They mostly got over it pretty quickly, and went with mom happily, but I could tell there was disappointment in Thomas's face when he knew I wasn't going. He kept asking for me to come.

After they left, and my dinner energy kicked in, I was sorry that I didn't go. I could have done it. It would have been a little touch, but sitting around at home didn't SAVE my energy. I have another BIG day tomorrow, as it's only a 2 day week. Hopefully I won't wake up so early this time!!!! (I didn't mention that I was dreaming about trying to get into Orthodontic School, and was relieved to wake up and say "Oh good, I'm already in and through with that!")

ADHD - My Regiment for Success

2008-12-27T19:43:00.000-08:00

I know I have YET to finish part 2 of The First Signs of ADHD. It turns out quite well, or I should say, is turning out quite well. It's a process and a mindset that has to be revisited over and over, but there are SO many ways to improve life quickly and effectively. Here is my current list of QUICK helps for the issues I deal with:

1) Anytime I feel my mind spinning, I begin relaxing by breathing correctly. There is so much to say about the mindful breath - focusing on the way the breath feels as I let it expand in my lungs, and breathing out fully.

2) Next to Meditation is Medication - I find my life is much better since I started medication. At first I had to take something to calm me down, as I was in an utter panic. That was critical - so was the sleep that came with it. Next, I started regular Ritalain. I noticed that I was a little shakey at first. My psychiatrist (and this is key as well, don't try to have a general practitioner manage your ADD/ADHD. It's easy to manage it somewhat, but what you want is EXCELLENT management of your mind. This is NOT a priveledge for the rich and famous. For me, it was a big key to realize that I was going to have to invest money in a good psychiatrist, and not cut down on my meds due to cost, if I was going to make it BIG. One therapist told me that she never had an unmedicated ADD patient that didn't float to the lowest rung of responsibility in their life. I happen to know many that have done quite well, but they are people who have everything going for them, and are working primarily from their strengths. I know that medication doesn't work for some, and for others that it takes a long time for the doctor to get it right. Be patient with them.

3) Take vitamin and omega supplements - Omegas do wonders for so many other parts of your body, but for your mind, an Omega-3/Omega-6 pill twice a day carries a huge benefit for thinking and stability of emotion. Take lots of Vitamin C (and any other anti-oxidants you can get without going broke).

4) This goes back to Meditation, but it's so important. If you don't know what meditation is all about, find out. There are so many misconceptions about meditation, but it is basically exercise for the mind that helps you focus, and gives you brain muscle to get out of ruts. When you have recurrent thoughts, it's difficult to get out of the thinking rut because the neurons of your brain create a pretty solid pathway. Meditation for 15 minutes a day (and less as you get good) allows all the following documented benefits: better decision making through mental clarity, increased ability to reach peak performance for any activity, enables you to act rather than just react, enables you to manage change through greater awareness of your own state of flux, enables greater pleasure, opens up your senses, helps you have better relationships (b/c it helps you slow the mind down, and become a better listener, enhances emotional awareness, which is a HUGE key for a successful career (or relationship). There are many books and podcasts on the subject. My favorite podcast is called My Thought Coach, which is full of excellent meditations and affirmations. I recommend some book knowledge of the subject as well if this isn't intuitive for you. Thich Nhat Hahn has written many - a CD (which works great for ADDers) If you do Yoga, you will learn the meditation. I've enjoyed PM Yoga, which is really quite whimpy Yoga in the eyes of a Yoga Master, but this is perfect for relaxing the mind in a way that has all the benefits listed above.

5) Ask yourself at the start of every day "Why is everything that I want to have happen going to work out so much faster and so much more effectively than I ever dreamed?" Let your subconscious do the rest. This is SO powerful, as our mind will always bring back answers to the questions we ask. Have you noticed that when you ask "What else can go wrong?", that inevitably, something always goes wrong that day? How about "Why am I going to overcome the next obstacle so easily?" When you ask the second question, the inevitable negative event is perceived totally differently, and the body/mind reacts totally differently. Hope makes you strong. Practice STRONG thoughts BY asking questions that will elicit strong answers. This is another practice for getting out of the negative mind-chatter, after a good dose of meditation.

6) Accept that it doesn't change in one day, but at the same time, affirm over and over "everyday, in every way I get better and better", then replace better with stronger, smarter, healthier, happier, more resilient, more balanced, more full of love, closer to God, closer to my best self, and so forth. Accept that going through pain is inevitable, and rather than avoiding the pain, meditatively face the pain. Allow yourself to suffer, but in a way that affirms hope. I like to invite my negative, recurrent thoughts to "please come in, my dear old friend", and visualize myself in a peaceful room with another being. Sometimes the eyes are terrible, and the fists of the being are clenched. Sometimes I imagine THE person who I am feeling pain from. I ask them to please come in. Accepting that they WILL come in, and choosing to refrain from fighting the thoughts has a paradoxical affect. They lose their potency almost immediately. Sometimes they sit down, but they don't talk. I continue to smile, breathing in, breathing out. I nod my head to them as an old Chinese sage would to his worst enemy: offering them tea, patiently letting the tension dissolve. They will inevitably come back again. Offer them 'tea' a thousand times, but don't yell at them, or tell them to GO AWAY, or they will grow like the itch of scabies when scratched. This is letting go. This is buddist thought that westerners are learning to use more every year. It is wonderful stuff. It is the awakened mind. The CD by Thich Nhat Hahn, a very well known exhiled Vietnamese monk is called "The Art of Mindful Living". He has so much non the internet - it's the basis for stability and recovery.

7) Learn about Emotional Intelligence, and how to develop it. The basis is in meditation, and writing exercises that I won't go into in this blog, as time is short, but the 4 parts of Emotional Intelligence (E.I.) are 1)Self-Awareness 2)Self-Management 3)Interpersonal Awareness 4)Interpersonal Management. It starts with self, and the key to being aware of what you are thinking and how you are acting is the first step. When you notice your stress needle is starting to point to the yellow or red, you begin step 2 - to manage the stress. To say "Hey, I'm really starting to feel upset" rather than to simply get lost in emotional thought without ever really noticing. when you notice, you can exercise the mental muscle that you have developed through meditation.

8) Exercise. Find a way to get that jogging, or even walking in several times a week. Get your pulse UP. Get the blood to clear out your mind and body. Ideally, 20 minutes of good running, or whatever, with positive affirmations along the way. I like to chant positive things while I jog, such as the "Every day in every way" phrase, or "Strength in the body, strength in the mind, strength in my heart - I feel myself getting stronger in every way". It's amazing how the seeds of these planted thoughts will flourish when the dung of life is thrown at you. It's fertilizer! Hey, what do you know? We have potential for growth! That's why it hurts - because God wants us to grow. Exercise results in a body/mind that is invigorated, and able to relax. As Abraham Lincoln said "If I had 30 minutes to cut a tree down, I'd spend 20 sharpening the saw". We can't afford to let our mind or body go dull. It WILL get dull, despite our efforts, but that is precisely when we kick in some positive scripting that we've practiced.

9) Link emotion to a movement that is easy to do. When I am running full speed, and feeling full of CAN DO emotion, I pull up thoughts of overcoming difficult obstacles that actually happened, in detail, then tap my thumb to my pointer and middle finger with both hands. This is a commonly taught psychological technique that Anthony Robbins promoted. I like it. It works. I touch my thumb to my pinky finger when I need to relax - to start to breath deeply. It takes some time to program yourself, but you will know it and feel the difference when you have created these links.
I am an orthodontist, and often encounter thumb suckers. Out of curiosity, I always ask them to show me where their teeth hit their thumb. Inevitably, if I have them press down on that spot with their fingers (from the other hand), they say it causes their whole body to feel calm and relaxed. This isn't new - it's ritual stuff that anyone understands. Part of the reason smokers calm down (and I don't recommend smoking) is that they are breathing deeply, and performing a ritual. If they put a TWIG in their hand that rests like a cigarette, it helps them a bit. If they can suck through something that resembles a cigarette, and BREATH, and do THEIR ritual, it has a very calming effect. Building rituals that relax and calm you, as well as rituals that help you to conjure up the feelings of motivation INSTANTLY is wonderful - especially when you have ADD, or other mind related issues.

Well, I must go! Hope this helps someone, because it changed my life!

Whimsical Writings--Poetry

2008-12-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

As something of a respite from the gloom and doom of the past few posts, I offer up this tidbit that I found while going through some old papers. It's a forgotten piece that I wrote sometime around October or November 1987:

From Within the Upside-Down Cake on the CD Player

Good yesterday, Mr. Turtle,

And I don’t mind if I don’t.

Yet here you are wearing my

Sixth-best golf sweater,

Although the holes above the sleeves

Make your typhobia most apparent.

Open your book to the

Seventeenth and three-eighths page

And read to ourselves

The meaning of this cake

In which we find us.

Stick out your tongue

And lick the frosting from the floor

(No—that’s the ultraviolet light)

So that we may better ascertain

Who has built this wall around us.

But what’s that sound?

Ah, such clarity in a clarinet

As I have never heard still!

Are we…

Yes we is…

In this cake—

On top of a gloriously, stupendously hugantic

CD PLAYER!!!

Fancy that!

(There's a LOT of stuff like that from around the same time period...)

Interlude #1: Christmas Reflections

2008-12-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

So this is Christmas,

And what have you done?

--John Lennon

Lately I’ve been taking stock of the last year, to see what progress I might have made. It’s not so much a matter, as Herr Lennon suggested, of thinking what I have done or accomplished over the year (uncomfortably little, as it turns out), but rather of taking note of what I have learned. The memory of accomplishments tends to dim with the passage of time and the reality of new challenges; learning remains, however, with each new insight building upon (and often reinforcing) previous ones.

Here are a few of the nuggets that I have picked up:

Something as simple as watching my breathing can have a dramatic impact on my mindset. I have asked myself how this can be, and I have concluded that much of it is what I call “neurophysiobehavioral”. One of the unfortunate side effects of the pace of life that we are more or less compelled to live these days is that we get into the pattern of reactive behavior. Being called upon to make split-second (or less) decisions at a nanomoment’s notice, we don’t take the time to think before speaking or acting. Consequently, we generally find ourselves in crisis mode, regressing to the status of cavepeople who are always on Saber-Tooth alert. Constantly on edge, waiting for the next emergency, we “act (or react) first, and regret at leisure”. As Raymond Tallis recently noted, “We do not walk, we sleepwalk; we do not act, we react, scarcely aware of that to which we are reacting.” The one thing I have found that breaks the cycle is slowing down my breathing. Slower breathing means slower neurological and physiological response, which gives me time to consider my options and to choose a response. Just five minutes or so of concentrating on my breathing usually does the trick. I have found that it also prepares me for prayer, clearing my mind of the babble of concerns so that I can pray in a peaceful, trusting state of mind.

Agency (or free will) is supreme, but it is not as simple as we seem to make it out to be. While agency is an eternal principle, our ability to exercise that agency can fluctuate according to circumstance. Our task is not only to make good use of our agency, but also to optimize conditions so that we can make best use of that agency. Psychologist Allen Bergin has pointed out that the ability to exercise agency can be enhanced or impaired by our actions or by the actions of others. In my own case, I have seen that my agency-exercising capacity has been limited by both, as well as by the limitations imposed by my AS. Much of my activity over the last year and a half has been in the context of increasing my ability to exercise my agency. It’s been massively difficult and incredibly discouraging, but I see that I have been making some progress.

Shame is absolutely debilitating. It causes us to question our worth, distrust our thinking, and dismiss even our noblest impulses and desires. It makes us intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually dependent upon other people, assuming that they know better than we do and that therefore we need them to dictate to us. It places us in the role of victim and keeps us there, since we believe that’s all we deserve. It paralyzes us and renders us incapable of acting for ourselves out of fear of making even the slightest mistake. In short, it keeps us in the position of frightened children who never grow up unless we “wake up” and summon up the courage to move out of that role. One of the most enlightening pieces I have ever read is an article called “The Three Faces of Victim”, which has helped me understand how the combination of continued social rejection due to my AS, the various forms of abuse I experienced as a child, and a rather dysfunctional family dynamic all contributed to a deep sense of shame which paralyzed me for most of my 40 years. It is only this last year that I have become aware of its effects and have made some initial, tentative steps to move out of a “victim” identity. Ironically, I realize that my incessant self-blame only made me a victim of myself, and that’s the worst form of victimization.

I believe that the key to understanding and overcoming our problems is to understand our concept of God. I now see that not only my own hyper-conscientious, perfectionistic tendencies but also my associations with various influential people for whom “good enough” was never good enough have led me to perceive God as judgmental, exacting, impatient, and waiting to lay into me for every trifling mistake I make. This has further paralyzed me and kept me from being more than I am. As psychologist Wendy Ulrich has stated, “Excessive self-blame . . .distorts our view of God, who becomes the Great Ruthless Judge in the Sky waiting for the worst possible moment to shame and punish us if we stop our self-reprisals.”¹ I see that I have taken what should be a reverential fear of God and turned it into a terror of God, thereby turning away from the One who can truly help me. I forget that while perfection is His standard, He is also infinitely patient, loving, and merciful, and that perfection only comes as we surrender ourselves to Christ and latch onto his perfection, rather than trusting in our own feeble achievements.

Finally, I came to realize that all I really have to offer Christ is a broken heart. However, that is the one thing I have devoted my efforts to avoiding at all costs. I hide from people to avoid having my heart broken and crushed as it has been so many times before. I over-intellectualize things to avoid having to feel them—keeping them instead tucked away deep inside my brain, at a safe distance from my heart. The consequence of this is that my heart is not only hardened, it is well-nigh calcified. I have guarded it well, all right—so well that nobody, God or man, can penetrate it, and it is therefore useless to anybody—least of all myself.

Last night as a family, we talked about what we can give Jesus this Christmas. We each wrote our gift down on index cards and put them in a box under the tree labeled, “To Jesus”. My gift was a truly broken heart which can be influenced by the Spirit. It may not be too much of an exaggeration to say that all I have learned throughout the year—and much more—has been leading to this point. It will be interesting to see what 2009 brings, and what I will have to offer Jesus next Christmas.

1. Forgiving Ourselves: Getting Back Up When We Let Ourselves Down, p. 32

The First Clue (Part 2 of 2)

2008-12-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

The first part of the report, summarized previously, described school history, family background, and behavioral patterns; the remainder of the report, as highlighted below, details findings related to testing.

Test Performance (WISC-R)

“Keyed-up and nervous throughout testing”
“Keenly interested in doing well”
“Worked hard and was very responsive to cues as to how to improve his performance”
“Eager, but hasty and impulsive”
“A very active mind which makes many associations with any task assigned…distractible”
“Began to work more steadily and carefully”
“Once he had relaxed…[he] showed a great deal of patience and persistence…began to attack performance tasks in a methodical, orderly way”
“Scores ranged from average to the ‘gifted’ level”
“Visual-motor organization is…significantly lower than…general intellectual development”
“Since his motor skills are weak and he is not interested in sports, he has tended to develop his more verbal interests”
“Verbal reasoning and general information fall at the ‘gifted’ level”
“Social judgment and comprehension of society’s expectations are superior—at least, he knows the rules and the reasons for them.”
“He has not mastered…the ability to behave independently and appropriately in concrete situations [though] he can verbalize about them quite well”

Projective Drawings

“Evidence of insecurity and dependency”
“[Drawings suggest] angry, frighteningly aggressive feelings but no tendency to act them out and no confidence in his ability to control his environment”

Conclusions

“Very bright”
“Abilities governed by the left…lobe of the brain”
“Socially maladjusted in the sense that he behaves like a much younger child and has no ability to adapt to peer standards or defend himself against scapegoating”
“Scholastic success is likely to be adversely affected because of the depression that will ensue”
“Cannot lead a full or happy life without learning the social skills, and the confidences, which he lacks at present”

(The report ends on a pretty gloomy note--I expect that my posts will become a bit more positive once I’ve trudged through the sludge of the past.) When I first read this at age 17, it helped answer a lot of questions I had had—but not entirely. I found it fascinating, but its full value would only become apparent 13 years later.

How MY clues came (for ADHD).

2008-12-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

I felt as if I was living the movie "A Beautiful Mind" when the reality of my ADHD hit. I was one year out of Orthodontic school, working for several doctors, living in my first real home - the stuff I had imagined I would have after graduation. At one job I wasn't required to do much of the thinking, as the staff had been trained to manage the patients, and basically act as the doctor. At the other office, the doctor had me doing the promotional stuff, building the website, and so forth, so I hadn't dedicated much time to learning his way of doing things.

The short version of the story is that I lost both jobs within 6 months. The first one, I basically kicked myself out by telling the doctor that I was considering a permanent job in another town. It didn't feel right not telling him. It was a mistake. It was a moment, like so many others before it, that my mouth exactly in sync with my brain, and no time to filter what I should and shouldn't say. He was very irritated and hurt. I hadn't considered that he had spent over 30K on marketing me, and getting his practice in a state that I wouldn't be able to resist purchasing. I was living in a parallel reality, or rather, a fantasy. From that moment forward he began to notice my faults, and ride me on getting better. I had just weeks earlier negotiated a daily salary which he was now unhappy to pay. Strange thing, as he pointed out things that I wasn't able to do that most associates were, I began to link that to moments in my Orthodontic school experience where I had been told "You are just not getting it!", and the hundreds of other hints that I had not fully understood. I had always felt deep down inside that I was going to be successful, even if I was the slowest at grasping orthodontics in the class. Then the pile-up of negative events began to accelerate:

1) My invisalign cases weren't looking right, and I didn't know how to fix them, and the older orthodontist had no idea - I was supposed to be the expert!
2) I realized that the other man I worked for made sure that I wasn't doing any of the initial exams. he was doing ALL of them himself!
3) I was tipped off (in a miracle chain of events) that I was going to lose my job with that same Doctor in 6 months time. I was humiliated and shocked. I owned a home, and now I was not going to have an income!
4) My confidence slipped down another level when I decided to start working at a cheap Orthodontic chain - Western Dental. They had me seeing 80 patients a day with 3 assistants. The place was 1.5 hours away in an area that I had never been. The staff did NOT understand orthodontics, and the guy who had been there before had not managed the practice well. I was in hell.

At this point the panic hit me. I remember driving home from my first full day of work in the new town with a fear that had wiped out most of my rational thought. I had just seen 80 patients, and didn't know what to do for them. They were messed up, and I didn't know how to fix their teeth.

Questions popped up everywhere: Why don't I know how to do this? Why is my brain feeling like it's going to explode? What am I going to do when the same people come back in 6 weeks and look just as bad, or worse than when I saw them last? Yet I had committed 4 days a week to this insane assylum. 4 days a week that hacked and hacked mercilessly at my confidence and ego. More memories came back from Orthodontic school: the feedback from my clinical instructors had always had a tinge of worry. I had learned that many had said privately that McDermott isn't getting it. Panic!!! Had I really spent half a million on my education, bought a house with the same cost, married to a beautiful woman, three sons, and no ability to do orthodontics? What was I going to do?

At this point the cycle of distorted thoughts took over my brain. I had very little time to make a plan because I was fearing what was to become of me. I spoke to my Bishop, who told me that I would be fine - I had a degree from an excellent school in Orthodontics. CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'M DOING??? My Dad and I decided that it was a problem of having too many patients. I was fresh out of school, and wasn't ready to see that many patients. I would sell my home first of all, and would have to quit the job.

This is a shortened version of the hellish February 2005 - August 2005. I had so many negative thoughts that I couldn't sleep at night. My wife would ask me in the morning how long I had slept, and I had to tell her the truth: an hour or two at most.

My hands were now shaking, sweaty, and hot. My face had a permanent frown. I wanted to lay on the couch - no, I wanted to disappear, to never exist...to never face the future of me letting my 3 sons down. Of letting my wife down. Of deceiving everyone, especially myself. It was somewhere in those dreadful days that my Mother came down to visit with my sister, who had her own troubles, and wanted to use the couch that I had been using for depression sessions. She brought every book on depression in our home library, and one called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life". I was intrigued. I flipped through the chapters and found that each had a checklist of issues associated with that problem. When I read the checklist on ADD I knew my life would never be the same. For whatever reason, I had just figured out what was wrong with me. I showed the list to my wife - she agreed that I must have that condition. It was all there. That evening I asked a previous instructor from orthodontic school if she thought I could have ADD. She said "Absolutely! You were always listening to everyone's conversations, even when you were busy at work on your patients. You were easily distracted by anything." Then I carried the list on in my head: Blurts out things that I didn't mean to say, often repeats the same errors, poor observer of personal behavior. The positive things stuck as well, such as humorous, creative, and so forth, but didn't help me get past the diagnosis.

I told my counselor my discovery. She said "You were on the wrong medication during school" (I had been on Paxil for panic attacks). She bought in to the fact that I was incompetent, and encouraged me to sue the school at one point. That makes her sound pretty incompetent to me now, but I was pretty convincing, and scared to death of the bills that my father had co-signed for about 500K. Was I going to ruin him?

Eventually I had to stop my crazy job. it was going to kill me. I had already seen myself losing it on the way there, or on the way home, or doing something insane as my body wore down more and more. I had lost 20+ pounds, I was still not sleeping, and I was not thinking clearly about anything. My wife was amazing through it all - she DID believe that I might not ever practice Orthodontics again, but said that we would find SOME way to survive. That was SO humiliating, about the orthodontics, but I was amazed at her faith. I learned that I had not been drinking deep from the gospel waters, and had hit a true trial of my faith.

After quitting, I still had a few checks coming in from this crazy place - the one that was paying me $1300/day to work there. It was a lot of money, but I my sanity was the price I had paid for it. I remember going to my Bishop for advice, and to pay my tithing. It was amazing to know I was experiencing the hardest chapter of my life: losing my job, my home, my respect, my income, and so forth. I wrote the check out for tithing - I knew that there were blessings that would come if I paid it, even though I was wondering how soon I would have to declare bankruptcy. We lived on food from the church - how humbling for me!

Still, I had the DX of ADD. I was referred to a wonderful Psychiatrist who started me on Remeron so that I could start sleeping. It was amazing - I slept! Although i was depressed when I woke up the next morning, unwilling to face the sunshine coming through the window, I felt a bit of my mental faculties recovering.

(Mine to be continued as well...) Thanks for the inspiration Four Acres!

The First Clue (Part 1 of 2)

2008-12-15T15:22:00.000-08:00

Although I had always had some vague sense of being “different” from my peers, I never really became aware of the enormity of that difference until my teenage years—mostly from feedback that I received from peers, teachers, parents, and youth leaders at church. By the time I was 16, the difference had become so pronounced that I found myself entirely isolated from others. Within a few months, I became a full-blown basket case.

The first piece of actual information which gave me some idea of what was going on came into my hands when I was 17. Actually, it was more than a “piece”—more like the jackpot. It came in the form of a report drafted by the school psychologist when I was in fourth grade. I was waiting to see the doctor for something or other, and I began to look through the folder of my medical records (I had been given the folder to hand to the doctor). The report was in the folder, and I was naturally intrigued by what it had to say. What I read blew me away.

Apparently I had been having trouble with the other boys and girls at school. Some sort of incident occurred in the lunchroom, and I ended up seeing the school psychologist. I vaguely remember doing some tests (involving shiny red and white plastic blocks), but very little else.

Here are some of the main points brought out in the report:

Background

“He has always had difficulty with peers and has always been teased and abused [by them]”
“He is not a fighter…He cannot bring himself to defend himself”
“[He has a] tendency to cry and go to [his mother] or another adult…when teased”
“His social maturity level is far below that of average fourth graders…His whole manner and speech set him apart as ‘babyish’ ”
“He is unaware of how inappropriate his remarks and his interests seem to others”
“Very good academic progress all the way through the grades…[with] good achievement and work habits”
“Improvement…needed in both fine and gross motor skills”
“Noticeably uncoordinated, even ascending stairs like a much younger child, using two feet for each step”

Behavior

“Very naïve, transparent, immature”
“He is so sensitive and so vulnerable that he is an inevitable scapegoat”
“Social level like that of a first-grade child”
“Bright, alert, and interested in learning”
“Quite competitive, constantly striving to do better than other children his age”
“Insecurity and chronic anxiety-state”
“He feels that none of his peers like him”
“Said…that ‘Perhaps the other children would like me better if I was smarter’…Said that some of his classmates think he’s ‘kind of stupid’”
“Super-conscientious [and] dependent”
“Able to please and appeal to adults by his ‘good’ (conforming) behavior”
“Not observant enough of the behavior and interests of normal nine-year-olds to adapt his conversation and manner to their standards”
“[Engages in] pious talk [that] is tolerated only from adults among children of his own age”
“A ‘family-oriented’ child, happy with and fond of all family members”
“Misses his father, and wishes that his grandparents and his aunt lived closer to him”
“A lively, active mind and a genuine eagerness to learn”
“He knows that he is different, but his attempts to please…lead to adult indulgence but not to acceptance by his age-mates”

(To be continued)

As the Road Winds

2008-12-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

Mac is amazing; I constantly marvel at his energy and capacity for enjoying life.

In many ways, my life only began a couple of years ago. I had spent a good fifteen years or so in the haze of medication and behaviors bordering on self-destructive. My wife and children never really knew me, because I wasn’t “there”. I was constantly going from one medication to another, having been diagnosed as clinically depressed, then bipolar. One doctor I saw a little more than two years ago said my problem was simply that I was “thoroughly unpleasant” (his words).

It took a mental breakdown in January 2007 to help me get to where I am today. I took two weeks’ short-term disability, during which time I was in an outpatient program at a local clinic. The doctor treating me said he saw no signs of bipolar disorder and proclaimed me (stealing Mac’s thunder here) ADD—mostly because he had it and recognized the signs. He took me off the Lithium, which for three years had been sapping my energy and destroying my capacity to think, put me on Adderall, and sent me on my way. I also left with a fistful of handouts explaining various stress-management techniques which I had no desire to implement. After all, MEDS ROCKED!

The Adderall had me bouncing off the walls, so the doctor prescribed a sedative to offset it; the combination put me in an emotional tailspin that caused me to (literally) lose my balance and to go into either a crying spell or a rage at the slightest provocation (or none at all). By this time I had had enough of the meds, so I fired the entire clinic and found a clinical counselor who worked with ADD adults.

After meeting with her for an hour, during which she put me through an intensive, computer-based survey, she stated that I had the signs of Asperger’s Syndrome. I had suspected this for some eight years already, but could find nobody who would listen to me.

I got off the remaining meds, was put on a mild dose of anti-anxiety medication, and began to “wake up”. Several months of therapy, abandoning some of the more detrimental behaviors, and educating myself about AS followed. I even found a use for some of those coping skills I had picked up at the clinic.

I still battle depression, and am (finally) emerging from a six-month funk which has taught me the importance of respecting myself and managing my stress. It has also found me questioning much of what I had been taught about myself before I was old enough to know any better. Though I had never formulated any sort of identity, instead relying on the opinions of other people, I am becoming more clear regarding who I am.

My story is in many ways one person’s discovery of his own soul, after a lifetime spent not knowing that he even had one. Like many in my family, I had nurtured the intellect but neglected my heart; I now honor both, and they support one another.

ADHD and Me

2008-12-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

Of the two of us, I think I definitely have it easier in terms of life strain and suffering, although my dear friend has intelligence that far surpasses my own, and qualifies himself easily as a true intellect both in learning capacity, and in personality type. My academic feat of making it into the world of Orthodontics has more to do with my ability to hyper-focus, than on sheer intelligence. I can focus on something that matters to me, and persist with robot-like persistence, digging and plowing away endlessly if needed. It can cause as much trouble as good; the ability to 'hyperfocus', as there are often trails of unfinished important tasks that are neglected while in the state of hyperfocusing. Many people wonder how I was able to become an Orthodontist without medication. I wonder myself sometimes, but it should at least partially uproot the perception that adults with ADHD just can't succeed. I wasn't diagnosed until after I graduated from Orthodontic School, and am medicated now, but know Orthodontists who have ADD who are not medicated. I also know medical doctors who are unmedicated ADDers who are enjoying life. It doesn't mean they don't suffer, and that it doesn't affect their lives, or the lives of those around them. It just means that they are able to succeed in the work force and at home.

What does it mean for ME to have ADD?
1) I have to (by choice of course) take medication - Strattera and Ritalain LA, twice a day. Without it, life is much more difficult. I will elaborate how in later blogs, but it has to do with blocking out the distractions that slow me down. ADDers often don't have a choice about what stimuli enter their head. If I am unmedicated, and under stress, I will start to hear everything people are saying around me, someone clicking his pen, water dripping, and so forth, all at the same time, and with equal intensity. It is fascinating for studying the mind from the inside, but rather annoying when trying to get something done.

2) In general, impulse control is an issue. Like so many others with the condition, I have my favorite distractions that can pull me away from things that need attention. This blog counts as one of them at the moment, and realizing that for me (at this moment) means that I now have a chance to translate my self-awareness into self-management by limiting how much I type tonight. I have several other things to do before going to bed, and I need to catch up on sleep. We OFTEN will do a few things WAY over the top, and leave the rest of what we should and could be doing in sore neglect. I have reached a plateau in my management for the last half-year, and would like to get to the next level of success in my battle. That is part of the reason for starting this blog. Emotional Intelligence is usually not very high in ADD folks because our self-observation tends to be terrible. By journaling, blogging, talking to a counselor, meditating, learning relaxation techniques that free up the turbo-powered mind, anyone can raise their emotional intelligence. For some it comes easier than for others.

3) I have a hard time keeping my thoughts from making it to my mouth. This has gone way down since I started medication, and have become aware of this habit, but it still haunts me at times, and entertains me at other times. Often things will come to me very quickly, and before I've had time to completely think them through, they will find their way to my mouth. I have the toughest time when I'm really tired or bored. Boredom. We will have to talk about that one next time, but there is a stimulation thing about ADD that is a large part of both the problem, and solution to much of the pain of ADD.

4) I am great with ideas for things that I love. I lose most of my ADD traits when I am enjoying whatever it is that I'm doing. I am only "ADD" with the things that are less than really fun (or stimulating)

Well, I said I would stop, so I'm stopping. Goodnight. So much more to say. We'll keep the thoughts for later. They will still be there when I come back. Goodnight!

The Closet Door is Swinging Off Its Hinges!

2008-12-08T15:41:00.000-08:00

Greetings World!

Contrary to what y'all might think, Aspergers is NOT a hamburger made from a rump roast. Rather, it's a cousin of sorts to autism. It comes with its own style, and in fact many famous people are rumored to be/have been Aspergerites--Thomas Jefferson, Einstein, Bill Gates, and Jack White (lead singer of the White Stripes).

Research indicates that Asperger Syndrome (AS), along with autism in general, may result from an enlarged brain, and who am I to disagree? I wouldn't care to be identified as big-headed, but being big-brained is another matter.

In future posts, I will be disclosing some of my insights regarding life with AS, as well as periodically discussing "Music for Aspies". (After all, AS is not without its whimsical side!) In addition, I will be providing the occasional look over my shoulder at some of the books I am reading which deal (however indirectly, obliquely, and tangentially) with the Asperger Way of Living.

Hold on tight!!!

Getting Things Started

2008-12-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

So this is it. We talked about it, now it's here. I think this will do Terry. Let's have some fun with it. So for anyone out there listening (reading), my gift is ADHD, and Terry's is Aspergers. He's had a blog somewhere else, but we decided to create a dialogue blog. I have a blog in which I don't even mention the ADHD since I don't share it with everyone. I've wished I had a place to vent my frustrations, as well as to celebrate my victories. Then today I got the idea to invite Terry to dialouge with me.

So Terry, it's midnight. Typical for an ADHDer to burn the candle at both ends, and feel full of energy at such a late hour. Funny thing, if it was anything more mundane than starting our blog, I might be out cold. I have to work early tomorrow, and I know you probably do, so I HOPE you don't write all night, as you are sure to get the email soon.

This is where hiding my ADHD is no longer necessary. I like it! My business partner also happens to be ADHD, so you'd wonder how we manage so well. Well, that will be a future topic on this NEW and EXCITING blog! In the meantime, I'm going to listen to my inner voice, and get some shut eye!

Hey Terry, I have enjoyed the Meyers-Brigg podcast you burned for me. Oh yeah, I was going to sleep. No more talk....sleep!!!!